A lot in a short amount of time!

I haven't looked at my blog in awhile. When I first opened it up I noticed that the last time I posted was Friday night, the day before "IT" happened. The week before I was dealing with Aiden who had the Flu, so I had missed work almost the whole week. I finally returned to work Friday and my last words were, "Next week is going to be a great week!" My famous last words for awhile...
Saturday October 3rd, I decided to take the kids up to Tucson to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D! We met Ben up there and the kids had a good time at the movies. Liam didn't like how the 3D glasses fit on his face so he opted to watch without his glasses!
After the movie we decided to get some dinner and Ben wanted to do some birthday shopping for me. I took the kids to Toys R Us while he stayed at Target and shopped. I went back and picked him up and then drove him back to his work to pick up his car and drive home. Aiden chose to go with Ben that night and Liam and Corwin stayed with me. I asked Ben if he wanted me to wait in the parking lot with Aiden until he brought his car around and then we would leave together. He said, "No, Aiden can come with me and you just go home." So I left and was heading home. While driving I had a thought about what if I wrecked the car and drove off the road, would Ben notice as he drove by that I was in a field off the side of the road. It was a strange thought. I let it pass and kept driving.
I got to the intersection where I was to turn left and get onto I-10 and head home. There were 2 cars ahead of me and we were all stopped at the red light. The light turned green, the two cars turned, I followed suit. Instantly I saw the other car heading right for us and realized that we were going to be hit. The loud crash, the smell of smoke, jolted me from my seat. I jumped out, ran to the backseat and pulled Liam out of his carseat and frantically yelled at Corwin to get out of the car! We were safe on the side of the road. Then I noticed that the other cars driver was not able to get out his vehicle. I ran over to him with Liam in my arms and noticed that the doors to the vehicle had been smashed in. I yelled to him to get out, jump over the driver seat and GET OUT! I had smelled smoke and feared that the cars would catch on fire. Luckily, it was only the smell of tires and brakes. I ran back to find my cell phone. To call 911 and Ben. Surely Ben saw this happen. I look around and he isn't anywhere. He was suppose to be following me home. I call him and he has no idea. He had turned right and was heading to get gas. He quickly turned around to come help with the kids and me. I sat down with the kids by my side and hugged them and held them tight. Crying, angry, confused, full of adrenaline.
A Border Patrol agent came down the on ramp. He headed for the other car. No one was around. All of sudden Border Patrol cars came from every directiont o help. They all ran to the other car. I was panicked. I thought everyone had gotten out of the car. Why is everyone over there. Slowly the agents were helping two occupants out of the vehicle. All I could see was that they were limping and being helped over to the side of the road.
All I could think was how could this happen? What happened? Had I made a mistake? Did they run a red light? I was thinking over and over and over. I could imagine myself at that light, I can see the two cars in front turn, I can see me turn, but I can't see the light in my mind. I can't tell you if it was a solid green and they had the right of way or did I have a green turn arrow and I was protected to turn.
Finally someone comes over to check on me. I tell them I am fine, the kids are fine. The only thing that hurts is my left thumb. I ask about the other people and they say "Due to confidentiality we cannot talk about the other people". I don't care about confidentiality, I want to know how the people are. This frustrates me so much because I feel for them and that I may have caused them to hurt.
The officers arrive and start to ask questions. I can go through the motions with them until I turn, and then it's gone. My memory is gone. WHAT COLOR WAS THE LIGHT? WAS I PROTECTED OR NOT? I am still haunted by this, I can't seem to come to terms with this because I can't see it in my mind.
Ben finally arrives after the officers escort him over with Aiden to the scene. By now my neck is throbbing. I can't move it and I am shivering. I am in shock.
I opt to go to the hospital to get checked out and make sure that everything is ok. I am thankful that Ben was there to help with the kids. What a scary thing for them, and to see all the lights and sirens must be so surreal.
Luckily everything checks out ok at the hospital and I am free to go home. I had a bad case of whiplash and contusions where the seatbelt was and where the airbag hit me, when it went off.I ask again at the hospital about the other people in the car. All they could tell me was that they were not critical or life-threating and that they had been taken to a hospital as well to be checked out. As I walk out, I ask Ben if it is my fault and he says, "Yes". I start to cry. I cry hard for those other people that I hurt. Not intentionally, but I caused pain to other people. This breaks my heart so, because I feel for others. I do not want to cause pain on anyone. I want to make it right.
All I want is to get my kids and go home to my bed. Dan and Gretchen were kind to come take Corwin and Aiden and offered for us to stay with them in Tucson, but I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it be all over. Unfortunately, it was not a dream at all.
The next day, I am processing everything. It is still not believable that this happened.
I am still worried about the other people. On my accident report I have their phone number and names. I want to call, but something inside tells me to let it be. I am afraid how angry they are at me for what I have done. I opt not to call them. I still wonder and worry.